And the Dark Bournville melts

Let me admit, that I’m growing into this real dough of the cookie than the dark Bournville toughie I used to be. Reeling back to the teens, I found an Uma Thurman in me ripped straight from the Kill Bill volumes. I was the girl who would laugh in the faces of those boys who asked me out. I was the kind who’d never let the waters sail as the canoe liked. Instead I loved thunderstorms, the sad rock getting hit by rude currents and everything destructive with a trail of tears soiling the cheeks, emitting assorted cries when I told myself why wait if there was no reason for me at all. There was always anger, fists of rebellion beetling around everywhere with rain of doubts descending upon me every single time it hit me like a kiss on bitten lips. Like eau de cologne on a fresh wound. Sometimes I was a cat snarled by thick fear that’ll end up softening and drowning into hours of sleep and dream, things I can never be. Never have. Never afford to. Other times I was this empty wine bottle placed against the wall righting itself while others pottered along, shaped by everything they had and I didn’t. Even though such things are still a tease to me, with my life travelling as it hasn’t reached the full potential and I can’t help wondering why, things don’t seem promising. Is something wrong with me? Or them and their dubious practices? But

these shoes are learning to kiss water’s softness like heat does to butter and the darkness cloaking my mind is being lifted slowly. I am hugging the word ‘patience’ like it’s the last tree I have found. I am tuning to Jem more often lately (if I was 16 right now I’d gag at this). I’m smiling against battle’s rhythm because its telling me it will eventually turn into relief soon and I will laugh some more. So much more. Like it’s the first thing I’d want to do when I was born.

I am an optimist at heart. I always have been even if I’ve figured out that I am that chocolate with mistakes. A fighter. An abortion survivor. I’ll think myself lucky, because after all what’s a snicker’s best without the nuts?